Hi guys!
So for anyone who has spoken to me since January 1st, I have been banging on about starting a blog. I wanted to talk about self care and mental health and make up and baking and life (I mean, I hadn’t quite established an aesthetic, and I use commas way too much, but I was well on my way). Anyway, at the end of January, all my plans for everything changed. And now I’m going to talk about that. Because I think it’s really fucking important that people speak about difficult, shitty times. Also, quite selfishly, I think this will be pretty cathartic. Haven’t started yet but this could potentially be a long read. Buckle up kids.
The Incident.
So I was leaving a well known Clapham Club *cough* Infernos *cough* when a man, a stranger, started making sexual comments at me. The sad thing is, I don’t really remember what he said, because (ladies back me up here) it happens so often to women that comments like this tend to become a dull hum in the background, you ignore them, you shrug them off and feel awkward and a little bit gross and walk a bit faster with your head down. I put my hand up, in that gesture all women know, of mock surrender. I had barely begun to walk away when things changed. He grabbed my arm hard and pulled me toward him and I instantly recoiled. I tugged my arm back and told him to fuck off. But that wasn’t enough. He wouldn’t stop, he wouldn’t leave me alone. So I went for the classic ‘I have a boyfriend, he’s here with me’ tactic. I HATE saying that I have a boyfriend when I’m trying to bat off an advance. It’s a matter of principal. It’s accepting that my rejection is not enough, my lack of interest is irrelevant to a man – what does matter, however, is the fact that another man already has me claimed. Not that in my full agency I do not want to continue to speak to you, but that I already belong to someone else. FUCK THAT. So now knowing how much I hate to say it, you can tell I’m getting panicked.
In swoops Jack, he’s not been far away the whole time. Here’s an incredible thing about him: he never patronises me, he knows I am able to handle myself, and he has seen me time and time again deal with situations like this one. But he knows something is different too, and in the space of seconds the mood has changed. Jack has me by the hand, and tells the guy to leave it. ‘She’s clearly said no mate, fuck off’. You’d think someone would be embarrassed and back off at this point. Nope. His face contorts, ‘You’re fucking ugly anyway, look at you, you fat fucking slag’. ANOTHER CLASSIC!!!! LADIES CAN I GET AN AMEN! I find this sadly laughable. I mean, weren’t you literally JUST trying to come on to me? Men reacting this way to rejection is interesting. To me, it looks a final clawing struggle to regain some power in the conversation, because God forbid you allow yourself to be turned down by a woman. It’s pathetic, and I told him that was what I thought. We began to walk away, up to our waiting cab. He began to follow us, he couldn’t drop it. He was winding himself up more and more, screaming at me as we walked away continuing to tell him to leave, until it came to a head and he told Jack he would stab him. He grabbed the bag he had on, and made it clear he could, and wanted to. From then everything is pretty surreal, we started to walk much faster, I was scared and I knew just around the next corner was a cab waiting for us. It seemed as though the guy peels off, I don’t see him again.
We reached the corner of the road where we are expecting to find the cab and our friends who are waiting with it. Someone approaches and again, they were screaming at me. At the time I was convinced it was the same man as before, but he’s not in a grey t-shirt any more, he’s in a black one. I shrug it off at the time, but it eventually becomes clear that this is the first man’s identical twin brother who has come to pick up where the other left off.
He is instantly physically intimidating, a man, bigger than me, shouting, I feel flecks of spit on my face. Calling me a whore, a slag, ugly, fat, stupid… “Do you know who I am?” he bellows. I’m furious, I’m so angry that someone could speak to me like this. But more than that, I’m terrified. I tell him to get the fuck out of my face, and he pushes me. Both hands on my chest. I stumble back. Before I realise what is going on Jack is in-between us. I watch the man swing for Jack, he hits him, I hear a crack, and Jack is falling to the floor. I barely have time to put my hands up to protect myself when I am punched. The punch lands hard and all I can see is white. I can’t hear anything but ringing and I know I am going to fall to the floor. Except I am not falling. I can’t see but someone is holding me up. I have no memories after this, but witnesses say that the man held me in a headlock and continued to punch me again and again in the head. This, to me, is telling. It wasn’t one punch in a moment of lapsed judgement. It was prolonged, he carried on, he held me up and continued to hit me. He meant it. Later, as I am being treated on the scene, the two men stand on the side of the other street and point and laugh at me. The police failed to arrest both of them on the night which complicates the whole case later on. This all came from telling a man NO.
The Injuries.
My recollections of the night after the actual assault are hazy. I am holding my head and screaming in pain, my poor, lovely, caring friend is back and trying to deal with the fallout. There are police everywhere. Black. I am sat in the back of a car trying to call my Mum for help. I am so scared. I can’t see. I don’t know where Jack is. Black. I am in an ambulance, I see Jack across from me and his face and body are covered in blood and I start to scream again. These memories come in snippets, but mostly I remember nothing.
I arrive in hospital and my sister is there waiting for me. They take me in for Xrays and scans. It’s my first MRI and it is like a clinical noisy vacuum of terror. My sister is told she can’t be in the room when the machine is on, thus commences my first panic attack of the evening. I am told that the punches have caused me to haemorrhage. I am bleeding behind my eye, so much so, that it will soon go blind if the doctors don’t act. From there, again, not many memories. I’m rushed into emergency surgery, and they make 3 incisions in my eye to bleed it out. So that the pressure of the blood doesn’t crush my optic nerve. I’m still petrified, still screaming, but through all of this mess I am telling the nurses how pretty and nice they are and apologising for being a nuisance. It sounds endearing but in hindsight to think that a violent assault has me apologising to hospital staff upsets me. It’s ingrained in us to think we are not deserving of care and attention even when we need it most, women especially.
My Dad has arrived and he has my hand and is holding back tears. All I can think is, ‘Fuck, I must look pretty bad’. He wipes my eye and I realise I am literally crying blood. Which is pretty metal if you ask me. I think I’m being glib about this part because this is less action-packed, and more just crushingly sad. Jack is stood at the end of the bed, bloodied, with a broken nose and a huge eye, and I keep crying whenever I look at him, which he can’t really help, and Eddie is there too stroking my arm softly. I am surrounded by love. My Mum arrives (she’d been away on a trip) the following night and finally my heart settles down in a way that it only can when you’ve had a cuddle from your Mum. I was hospitalised for 3 days. Here is the fucking biggest shout out to our nation’s most valuable resource: the National Health Service and its staff, who displayed brilliance, competence and compassion like I have never seen (and a second smaller shout out to the chocolate cake and custard they serve).
Additionally to the haemorrhage, I was told that I had two fractures to my eye socket. I had been punched so hard, and so many times that a large part of the socket floor had snapped off, and was hanging about in my sinus. The swelling was too bad to do anything at the time, so 2 weeks later, I went back for surgery to fix it. They scooped my eyeball out of the hole and put a titanium plate in my skull to prop it up. And hey, surprise surprise this fucking hurt too. I had 3 panic attacks throughout the process. I was on morphine which made me vomit. I couldn’t stand or see and it was like going back to square one.
On top of the 2 major injuries there is a macular hole in the back of my left retina, which means there is a small grey spot in my field of vision that is a blur, but the doctors have said they can’t do anything for it – I just have to hope it heals in time. My left eye muscles are frozen from the trauma. I can’t move my left eye up at all, which gives me constant nauseating double vision. So much has gone wrong from a series of events that lasted 10 minutes at most.
The Implications.
The police have taken multiple statements, victim impact reports, DNA, clothes. They know who did this to me, but have been held up charging them due to various mistakes they made early on. I will most likely have to testify in court, but the process takes a long time – it could be a year from now. They are confident there will be long sentences. I’m not their biggest fan, but I am putting faith in justice being done.
Look this hasn’t been pretty, but I’ve tried incredibly hard to be descriptive and to be real because I am not ashamed. When I first posted about what happened to me, women in my circle reached out to me, and so many told me that they had been through the same thing in one way or another. One woman was brave enough to tell me she had been through much worse and not reported it to police through fear. She wanted the situation to disappear rather than deal with it. It broke my heart, but I completely understood. At first I described what happened to me as a reality check – that I wasn’t invincible and it’s just the way it is, that there are men out there who will try hard to hurt you and make you feel small and it’s safer to shut your mouth and be amicable than to speak up and put yourself in harms way. The fact of the matter is, sometimes, for your own safety, you do have to let things go in moments of conflict. But fuck knows I will advocate and scream from the rooftops and protest and march and lead by example in every way I possibly can.
So if I can speak up, and raise my voice and completely and utterly overshare then I guess I hope it’s some form of encouragement. Because here I am, still very much standing. DESPITE men who would rather I lived in silence, fear, and submission. This will not be the last blog post I write about this. What happened to me was horrendous, I am still reeling in disbelief and battling with a lot emotionally… But I’m working incredibly hard to ensure that I’m not defined by it.
– Bills x
March 14, 2017 at 5:43 pm
This is heart wrenching! Thank you for your bravery and candour in talking about this crucial societal issue.
It is fantastic that you have a close circle of friends and family.
Parents, both mothers and fathers, must take responsibility and teach their children to respect all life, be it a woman or a spider or a cat – all life. My parents taught me this from birth and I live by it.
Ironically, after my father’s birthday party I sat beside him and gave him a cuddle. We were never a physically affectionate family but I just wanted to let him know I loved him. My mother stormed off to bed. He put his hand down my top and bra and groped me. I was horrified and left and cried for three days.
My mother never asked why I was gone in the morning.
When I confronted my father about it, he blamed me because he was drunk and I’d encouraged him to drink at his party. It was my fault. When I confronted my mother she also blamed me. She’d stormed off to bed because she was ‘dusgusted’ that I gave my dad a cuddle.
My aunty said she didn’t believe me even though my father had admitted it. She warned me not to talk about it because my father is well known in the town and it would ruin his life if it got in the papers. FUCK THAT!
Although not violent, my experience is just another example in this narrative. I’m gutted by the victim blame mentality displayed by the very people who are supposed to protect me and by my aunty’s intention to gag me to protect my father.
I will not be silenced. I scream along with you. Luckily I have amazing friends and have shared my experience with them and they are now my family.
Much love to you. You are in my thoughts. I stand with you.
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March 14, 2017 at 5:52 pm
I have no words. Just sorry this happens.
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March 14, 2017 at 5:55 pm
I am in awe of you.
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March 14, 2017 at 6:20 pm
Shocking. Just……….shocking. And you’re a strong woman, standing up and making sure the evil wee scumbag will get what’s coming to him. I’d be horrified if my son even looked at a woman the wrong way. How would he like it if his mother/sister etc was treated like that? I hope your friend is okay as well.
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March 14, 2017 at 6:34 pm
I hate that these things happen to us all the time. I am glad you came out of it alive. My attacker got over 6 months and was deported. All too often alcohol plays a role in male on female violence and yet our country ignores our this real alcohol fueled epidemic of violence against women.
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March 14, 2017 at 6:53 pm
Nothing but love and support to you for sharing this awful experience. I hope writing your blog helps heal your spirit and soul, and possibly a few other women. Love and light to you my fellow sister – You deserve every wonderful thing there is – AS WE ALL DO!
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March 14, 2017 at 7:01 pm
I am so impressed by your courage, and so glad you have great family and friends. And, probably reflecting poorly on myself, I kind of want the men who attacked you convicted, sent to prison, and “hit on” by gigantic rapist inmates who don’t respond well to being refused in much the same way they responded to you. I know that’s vindictive, but I don’t care.
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March 14, 2017 at 7:25 pm
I am so incredibly sorry that this has happened to you! Or to any person. Ever. This never should have happened, and you are amazing for sharing your experience so openly!
I hope you are healing well, and that you take all the time you need to heal. Brain injuries are insidious bastards, and often take a lot longer than you’d think to recover from.
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March 14, 2017 at 7:54 pm
I saw this medical therapy for improving eye sight. I do not know anything about it. If it works or does not. I have been intending to buy, knowing that someone in my life can probably benefit from it.
It is called The Quantum Vision System.
Here is the website.
getquantumvision.org
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March 15, 2017 at 11:19 pm
Also, be sure to get plenty (actually, MORE than plenty) of Vitamin A and D. Vitamin A is essential for your retina and will help it heal.
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March 14, 2017 at 8:26 pm
You are an inspiration. I am so sorry that you have had to endure this but your strength and courage are admirable. I truly hope those bastards get what they deserve and bless your friend for being the true hero he is. The world needs more of him!
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March 14, 2017 at 9:39 pm
Proud, brave damaged sister, bloodied but unbowed. You have my admiration and my best wishes go to you and your loved ones xxx
A small comment: I also had a fractured eye socket (self inflicted: trampoline, please bring knee and eye together with gusto). This was 30 years ago. The double vision gradually improved, and whilst I’ve never regained quite the same range of movement in the affected eye, it did also improve. I hope that your physical and emotional injuries heal too xxx
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March 14, 2017 at 9:45 pm
Oh my God. What a hideous scary experience and how much I admire your courage, fight and honesty (and, as a fellow writer, may I compliment you on just how fucking well written it is!). I wish you all the joy you deserve and hope that the scumbags who did this are caught soon. You are a strong, vibrant woman and your amazing strength and zest for life shine through even in this most distressing of experiences. Best of wishes to you xxxx
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March 14, 2017 at 9:45 pm
So many times this has been me – the “no I’m really genuinely not interested, please take my word for that” or the “no I have a boyfriend” lie… It’s such a standard part of a night out that it’s incredible to me that it escalated in the way you describe. The fact that it did and the fact that I wouldn’t even blink at someone telling me the first part of your story is really really sad. I hope that you heal physically & spiritually and I hope those pathological lunatics get everything our sometimes noble justice system can throw at them.
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March 14, 2017 at 10:01 pm
I cried all the way through reading this. My heart breaks when I read another story about a woman having her safety taken away. I cry because I’m so angry. When I think about the smug arseholes who cry “not all men!” and do not for a second offer a thought to women like yourself who are stitching themselves back together, literally and emotionally.
You are so brave and amazing. You did not deserve this. I hope you have a speedy recovery and remember there are women you don’t even know who are rooting for you. Thank you for fighting for us.
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March 14, 2017 at 11:28 pm
I admire you so much for writing about what happened to you and sharing it with the world. I suffered so much reading about your experience – I cannot imagine how much you must have suffered living it. But here you are, you survived, and I salute you for that. I send you lots of love and courage for the way that lies ahead of you. You are an inspiration to all of us!
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March 14, 2017 at 11:40 pm
reading your story left me heart broken and sick…that you had.to endure this is unfathomable…that a man felt he had the right to do this made me feel murderous. your strength is amazing! After mulling over this story for a few days I realised just how important our voices as women are and we must not let anyone silence us. you are an amazing strong person and i hope beyond all hope these men get the justice they deserve. I am keeping you in my thoughts and am so sorry you had to experience this awful awful event. Thank you so much for sharing this story with us. I am in awe of your strength.
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March 14, 2017 at 11:45 pm
I am so sorry you went through this. I will pray for you and for the police to do the right thing and arrest those young men and make sure they are prosecuted fully.
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March 14, 2017 at 11:45 pm
You are one strong woman and thank you for sharing your story. I live in Texas and it seems every one is carrying a gun these days….. frightening because had either of you had a pistol…. someone would be dead.. This scares me, and there is nothing we can do about it.. They did make it illegal for someone who is mentally ill to carry a gun. Go figure… God Bless You.
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March 15, 2017 at 12:32 am
You’re story made me emotional, having been a victim of sexual abuse and attacks I know how you feel, however I did not suffer your physical injuries and as others have said, you are nothing if not immensely brave! I’m so sorry you’ve been through this, I hope justice is done and you can rebuild yourself. Sharing a story, again, something I know is extremely hard, much respect and admiration to you. Thank you x
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March 15, 2017 at 12:45 am
You’re brilliant and brave, and I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. Thank you, for sharing your story. I hope those who hurt you end up paying as high a price as possible in penance, and that somehow, they are made to truly understand the suffering they caused.
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March 15, 2017 at 3:00 am
I feel like I owe you an apology. In 1984 I found myself lying on a parking lot knees to chest so that the kicks didn’t hit my vital organs. Rather than pressing charges… ( in the 80’s it would have been very very ugly) I left not only the state but the region. I moved half way across the country to get away from him. Maybe if I and others who were the victims of these attacks had spoken up the work of your generation would have been lessened. I am sorry that we were not stronger but we did not have the support that you do. Sending you as much psychic power that I have. I adore your strength and send you every bit of strength that I have grown in the passing decades. F- what other people think, what you should feel.,,what you live and what you experience is your reality.
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March 15, 2017 at 4:11 am
There are times I really wish I had the power to just wish someone to death, like the kid in the cornfield in Twilight Zone. And then there are times I am glad that I don’t have that gift, because the world population would drop so fast that humans would go extinct in a hundred years.
But those two men deserve to be under a cornfield somewhere, vanished, forgotten by their family, nameless, rotting, forever unloved.
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March 15, 2017 at 4:33 am
So much love to you gorgeous. I am so sorry, so so so sorry. Your words a frighteningly descriptive. No words – just continue to own it X
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March 15, 2017 at 7:19 am
Thank you for having the strength to recount such vicious, vile horror. I hope that getting it out and “onto paper” proved cathartic. Heal fast. Hold fast. I hope they are brought to account and go away for a very long time. That is the least you deserve.
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March 15, 2017 at 7:59 am
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope and believe that your courage in publishing this will inspire more women to speak out about their own experiences. Only by banding together, speaking out and insisting that justice be done in every case can we make any headway toward societal change.
Please know that you are not just brave, but also powerful. I am reading your story tonight in California, having seen it posted on Facebook by female friends in Florida, New York and London. Although none of these women know each other, each one echoed the same reaction to your story (albeit each in her own words): This violence has to stop — and we must work together to stop it.
Best wishes for a full recovery — and for swift justice.
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March 15, 2017 at 8:33 am
Remember always that YOU did nothing wrong – just in the wrong place at the wrong time around really bad men playing by a different set of life rules! You are an amazingly brave, kind and good person and I wish you all the best for the future with this terrible incident totally behind you. X
Rachel
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March 15, 2017 at 9:22 am
Truly shocking the depths of violence you were subjected to. As a nation we need to do much more work on men and boys as some of them seem to have no respect or boundaries. As a teacher this needs to be included in the curriculum and by example. When discussed in groups I’m sure the rational majority will influence those who have problems with violence.
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March 15, 2017 at 11:17 am
I am so terribly sorry that this happened to you. Stunned and appalled by the brutality of these men. Very much hoping that justice is done and that your wounds, both mental and physical, heal in time xx
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March 15, 2017 at 12:08 pm
Heart wrenching story. Brilliantly brave for sharing. Thank you and we’ll done. Stay strong 💪 xxx
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March 15, 2017 at 1:24 pm
You are in my heart. You are so brave, and I truly admire that you did up to that animal, those animals I should say, who did this to you. I hope they lick then up for a very long time. Screen more than that, I hope by sharing this, men start to understand that we are not their toys, and we have the right to say no without being hurt. Stay strong.
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March 15, 2017 at 3:38 pm
Reblogged this on Annie Bergin's Blog and commented:
All because she said no to a man
💔
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March 15, 2017 at 4:11 pm
That is absolutely horrifying! I hope those fuckers get the maximum penalty for this. That’s attempted murder! What the HELL is wrong with these asshole men that they do shit like this? I don’t understand it at all. I hope you make a full recovery. =( I’m so sorry that this happened to you.
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March 15, 2017 at 4:47 pm
Wow what a horrendous ordeal. It makes me feel sick to think of what you went through. Wishing you lots of love and light in healing both physically and mentally. I hope despite the cock ups justice prevails xx
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March 15, 2017 at 5:05 pm
Sending much love … so much love … and hugs and support and peace. Keep speaking out. Keep being brave. I’m just floored … sigh. Big hugs, sweet lady.
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March 15, 2017 at 5:54 pm
Jesus Christ! I’d just watched a video of a young woman walking through Manhattan, challenging sexual predators when they approached her, and thought you were in the US.
How shocking that you are here in the UK!
Although, if I might add, that between the ages of 14 and 30 I was subjected to 21 unsolicited sexual predations of varying degrees of severity, then this is less of a surprise.
I hope you are healing physically, emotionally and spiritually.
We must never give up our rights.
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March 15, 2017 at 6:26 pm
First off – you are 100 thousand percent correct that weeping blood is f*cking metal. And I’m always impressed by how wry humans (especially women) can be in the midst of crisis.
Secondly, thank you so much for your bravery in writing your truth. I hope it was cathartic for you, and I hope, too, that you continue writing. There are some excellent books available for writing about trauma and/or using writing as a tool to heal (basically anything from the Amherst Writing Association plus James Pennebaker’s books).
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March 15, 2017 at 7:04 pm
Required reading for anyone. I’m so sorry this happened.
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March 15, 2017 at 8:12 pm
I’ve read this and as bad as it sounds the first bit sounds so similar. Even the verbal abuse for a no and even a (thankfully less brutal) devolving into physical abuse. I’m so sorry and I hope things heal as good as possible and the guys get locked up for a long long time.
What shocks me is the brutality but again as bad as it sounds to be more shocked about this is the fact that two men did this as a team. One gets rejected and the other does the violence. That is truly new and yes it shocks me worse because as unacceptable as a physical reaction to being refused is, the person who got violent isn’t the one that got rejected and has even less reason to overreact.
So far guys being on a night out with the guy who took offence at my refusal have always been apologetic and often helpful in getting him away. Having one taking over what can only be seen as vengeance for a polite refusal is a new low that really makes me lose hope for the future. It feels like male entitlement reaches new heights nowadays.
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March 15, 2017 at 8:14 pm
You have my unwaivering support from Los Angeles. You are brave, strong and a badass. I hope you get the justice you deserve.
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March 15, 2017 at 8:22 pm
You are just amazing, well done. Thanks for being so brave and measured in sharing this. Sending strength and pride.
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March 15, 2017 at 8:28 pm
Thank you for sharing this, and I hope it has a cathartic effect. Please do.eberything the docs say to help you heal. Do not give up in getting justice. That’s what these thugs want you to do. Let ur voice be heard.
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March 15, 2017 at 8:55 pm
Amen to not letting this define you!! Tough as it may be.
Proud of you for speaking up and your “over sharing”!
Prayers for a complete physical and emotional healing!
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March 15, 2017 at 9:41 pm
I’m very sorry to hear your story. I wish someone was there for you in your moment of need to assist you and your friend. I’ll add this on the basis that someone may read your story and avoid the same thing happening to them. Please please to all ladies girls women go to a self defence class make it part of your life – like wine or food. Sorry no offence.
From what I read it could have been so different. You don’t have to be violent but you must understand violence and have the knowledge to deal with it. Women are more than capable of dealing with scum like these. All to often I hear it’ll never happen to me – if u have a crystal ball let me know and we can show the people of the world their future. We all have car insurance home insurance phone insurance but when it comes to our personal safety we dismiss it. Don’t be a victim or a government statistic.
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March 15, 2017 at 9:58 pm
I am so incredibly pained to hear this and know that this is the kind of world we live in. I am so sorry for what happened to you. I wish you a full recovery and strength beyond that which you can imagine. I hope they catch the two men who did this to you!
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March 15, 2017 at 10:31 pm
I’m glad you are recovering. I am thankful you were able to write this blog. I wanted to tell you that macular damage can heal – mine did and I have only a small scar, many heal completely. The eye doctors are amazing and can work miracles. Hope that is some small way helps. Good luck.
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March 16, 2017 at 12:20 am
horrible and terifying thing to happen…kudos to you for speaking up and I hope the cretin gets what he deserves…I agree he needs to reap what he sowed…yes I am vindictive too I am afraid!…
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March 16, 2017 at 12:43 am
Wow, dude(tte). That’s a rough ride. I’m sad this happened to you, that this happens to anyone, and that justice was not dispensed with lightning speed. Also, I hope you’re back to baking soon, it seems therapeutic. Thank you so much for sharing, you are 110% correct that this is exactly the stuff we need to discuss openly if we hope to change it, even the tiniest change of removing the shame, stigma, and victim blaming.
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March 16, 2017 at 12:47 am
I am so sorry this happened to you. And I am so glad you are speaking out. We’ve all been through variations on this theme – most not as violent or scary, but, as you experienced, who knows when THIS ONE will be the one that turns really bad. May you find peace in sharing your story and comfort in your family and friends as you heal. Praying that your healing will be full (especially your vision!) and rapid.
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March 16, 2017 at 3:00 am
I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but I want you to know that I applaud you, and I respect you, and I commend you. I am so sorry you had to go through this, but thank you for sharing. I cannot even begin to fathom what you went through, or even are going through, but I am so inspired by your strength.
❤
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